Posted January 30, 2012
The Gelato Fiasco is growing… and it’s time we called for your help.
Mission Title: Unicorn Tear Collector
Term: Full-Time Temporary with Opportunity for Permanent
Home Location: Brunswick, Maine
Travel: Yes, 85-90%
Compensation: Hourly plus Hazard Pay
Do you love gelato or coffee? Are you outgoing? Do you enjoy connecting with graceful animals and battling the forces of evil? Read on. Due to the addition of our Portland store and the tremendous growth of our grocery store pint offerings, we’re seeking a few good folks to lead our global Exotic Ingredient Discovery Team, with an initial focus on improving our unicorn tear supply line. As you may know, we strive to use the highest-quality ingredients, which are collected from locales ranging from Middle Earth and the Forbidden Forest to Madagascar and Trader Joes. We need talented and passionate people to seek those ingredients. Applicants should be comfortable spending extended amounts of time petting unicorns while collecting magical liquid from their horns. Following successful completion of your initial six-month tear-collecting mission, you’ll likely be tasked with pursuing other exotic ingredients that help to make our gelato and sorbetto so special.
Minimum Requirements:
- Bachelor’s degree in zoology, botany, alchemy, or literature preferred. In lieu of degree, applicant should have four years of experience or have grown up in a forest.
- One year of tear-collection work preferred, but not required. A desire to operate diligently in a fast-paced environment and unshakable attention to detail is what we seek most.
- Must be at least 18 years old. If you’re a gentle and pensive maiden, that’s a plus.
- Must be comfortable around fire, torrential rains, mountains, valleys, earthquakes, flying creatures, and giants.
- Must be warm, friendly, confident, and willing to give 110% every time to make every creature feel like a million bucks.
Skills/Abilities Required:
- Strong desire to collect the highest-quality tears with attention to detail.
- Magic and/or wand skills are preferred.
- Ability to communicate calmly and effectively with co-workers via satellite phone in a fast-paced environment.
- Near-religious devotion to delighting both animals and talking plants.
- Ability to mediate between various parties, including magical and nonmagical creatures.
- Strong map, compass, GPS, and knife skills. If you can throw knives, all the better.
- You may be called upon to battle villains, escape dangerous situations, or make espresso drinks, so the ability to transition into different roles is important.
- Neat freaks and people who might be compulsive about cleaning are encouraged to apply.
In exchange for your talents and commitment, you’ll receive excellent pay, extensive life and travel insurance, and a sense of adventure unparalleled in the food service industry. Come join this growing entrepreneurial-oriented business and take your career to the next level.
If you think you have what it takes to join our team, please e-mail your resume to jobs@gelatofiasco.com. Include contact information for three references with your resume. (One nonhuman reference preferred.) In addition, please submit at least three successfully completed Choose Your Own Adventure books with your path clearly highlighted in red.
Due to the volume of applications received, we regret that we may only be able to respond to folks whose resumes we feel may be a good match. We appreciate the interest and enthusiasm of everyone who applies.
Disclaimer:
The above statements are intended to describe the general nature and level of work being performed by people assigned to this classification. They are not to be construed as an exhaustive list of all responsibilities, duties, and skills required of personnel so classified. In fact, we frequently will ask you to do all you can do and more. You can pretty much bank on the fact that all personnel may be required to perform duties outside of their normal responsibilities from time to time, as needed.
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